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Å vera meg

http://urort.p3.no/#!/Band/eligauden91/Track/103450

Vindar dreg i meg
Så tankar fell i to
Dagar glir forbi
Og netter står i ro
 
Under eit stjernehav går eg i ring
Lagar eg skyggespel med håp eg finn
Fyllar eg tankekart med mange verb
Eg håpar skjer
 
Berre om eg veit
At du står der på min veg
Så skal det ikkje bli
Så hard å vera meg
 
Smil frå kinn til kinn
Og store glade ord
Men under maska
Er forvirringa mi stor
 
Mange små bitar av mitt livets brett
Lite betyr det og lite er rett
Men ein ting skulle eg
Så gjerne visst
 
Berre om eg veit
At du står der på min veg
Så skal det ikkje bli
Så hard å vera meg
 

Ferie-forvirring

Eg blir visst aldri ferdig med slik FORVIRRING. Ein skulle trudd det var noko ein vaks frå seg med åra. Men nei, på dei minst tenkelege tidspunkta kjem forvirringa og stel av gleda mi.

Hardanger

Pause

Eg er heime. Eg nyt vakre Hardanger med fine soldagar, lange arbeidsdagar,  tille roturar og fin familie…men…Ferie? Kva er vel eigentleg det? Ein pause frå den daglege tralten. Oftast synonymt med å gjera absolutt ingenting på eit berg på Sørlandet. Noko positiv. Noko frigjerande. Sol og glede. Men for somme av oss betyr ferie ( i tillegg til sol og telt-tur og bading) tid til å tenkja, fundera, lura, vurdera, og tid til stress. Kvardagen, den går sin gang den. Ein har som oftast byrja noko(for eksempel studie) og skal fullføra det før neste ferie tek til. Der er alltid alt for mange ting på dagsplanen, og ein får sjeldan gjort så mykje som ein skal. Men det er heilt ok, for ein har i alle fall eit mål i sikte.

IMG_2605

Men så kjem ferien. Pause. Stille. Tid. Tidlege kveldar. Rolege morgonar. Det kjem dagar med tomrom, tomrom ein må fylla ved hjelp av eiga kreativitet. Somme folk er skapt slik at ei bok, ein film, facebook, eller søvn, er enkle og gode hjelpemiddel for å sjå i hjel litt tid. Å, hadde det berre vore meg. Hadde eg kunne leggja meg i senga midt på ein onsdag føremiddag å lest ei bok som på ingen måte gjorde meg det grann meir intelligent; skjønnlitteratur for underhaldningas skuld. Men nei, all denne tida må jo utnyttast. Alt det eg ikkje fekk gjort gjennom resten av året, det må gjerast no. Utnytt kvart augneblink. Livet er lærdom. Seier kven? spør du kanskje. Nei, det veit eg ikkje, men det er heilt sant.

Vel, så får eg ikkje gjort så mykje likevel. For all denne tida opnar for så alt for mange tankar. Små kviskrande stemmer i hovudet som utviklar seg til store skrikande spørsmålsteikn. Så vert eg sitjande der å glo i veggen i staden. Plutseleg byrjar eg stilla spørsmål med livet og meininga, fortid og framtid, rett og galt. Plutseleg er eg ganske sikker på at eg har vald feil studie. Plutseleg er eg ganske sikker på at det ikkje blir noko av meg. Plutseleg må eg finna meininga med livet. Plutseleg betyr alt så lite, og ingenting så stort. Plutseleg er livet så trygt, men så usikkert. Eg står vaklande på ein stokk. Fallhøgda er ikkje stor, men eg berre MÅ halda meg i balanse.

…Så godt det skal bli når ferien er over og eg ikkje har tid til slik tenking lenger…eg kan berre leva! For å leva, det er meininga…så slepp eg å leita, den er jo der!

Ferie-forvirring!!!

IMG_1092

“Define Normal”

normal12My homework for my Music Therapy class this week, is to write a paper about one of the chapter in our 600 pages long MT book. Looking through the the table og content I decided right away what I wanted to write about; Music Therapy in the treatment of Behavioral-emotinal disorder. I find this very interesting because it deals with the feeling of beeing abnormal from a certain point of view.  After doing my reading about the topic, I now consider it more “normal” to feel “abnormal” then what most people would think. And I also think that chances may be big that YOU, in one way or the other, can relate to some of disorders/symptoms/feelings discribed in the followin paragrphs. Please take some time to read through and make your self some mental notes…:

“That person is acting so strange.” “What is wrong with her/him?” “Am I normal?” These are all thoughts that appear in most people’s mind once in a while. Either because of the way an other person is behaving, or because you feel yourself acting differently then others. We live in a society where normal is looks at equally with acceptance. However, the notion of what is considered normal and abnormal is very complex. It is reliant on culture, situation, a society’s norms as well as individuals, and thereon it varies a lot form place to place and gives a wide range of acceptable behaviors. For example; what clothes to wear in church versus on a football game. The way you applause on a symphony concert versus a rock concert. One will adjust ones attitude, language, clothing, and behavior, depending on the situation. Living in a world with different cultures, and social norms we can’t really say what is normal and not. However, when it comes to the point where behavior and emotions are considered a problematic on a personal level or inappropriate on a consistent term, it can be considered a behavioral-emotional disorder. The diagnosis is related to the frequency, duration and intensity in which the symptoms occur. Behavioral-emotional disorder can effect all people and is characterized as a disturbance in mood and thinking, perception of reality, and ability to relate to other people, thus, this is not a physical illness (although symptoms an be physical) but a mental disorder. Symptoms vary greatly, but can include fears, panic, lack of socialization, and racing heart.

The most common behavior-emotional disorders that people are being given treatments for is Schizophrenia, mood disorder, personality disorder, anxiety disorder and substance-related disorder.

Schizophrenia is a serious disorder where individual experience alteration in thinking, perception and behavior. Common symptoms individuals may experience are hallucination, delusions, movement disorder, flat affect and social withdrawal. However, the intensity and duration and how often the symptoms occurs differs. The term Schizophrenia refers to “splitting in mind”, and the disorder will always include impairment in more several areas of functioning; accordingly the illness is seen as pretty complex and as all behavioral-emotional disorder, hard to treat.

One of the important treatments for schizophrenia is antipsychotic medication. Medication only reduces, not cures, the illness, and can lead to serious side effects. On the other side, it will help people behave in more adaptive ways and reducing the intensity of the symptoms. Psychosocial therapy is also important as a treatment. Having a stable relationship to a therapist and a safe environment can help clients deal with their illness better and change their behavior pattern. Music therapy is a branch of psychosocial therapy that may be used for certain clients. It’s a way to make the client experience positive and uplifting feelings, that again may motivate them, help them structure their life, or make the reality seem more fearless. The therapist can guide and support the clients and help them deal with their everyday problems.

Substance Abuse and Behavioral DisorderMood disorder is a disturbance in mood, such as depression or extreme elation. The symptoms occur in episodes, periods where the victim experiences change from the normal functioning. During a depressive episodes for example, the individual will feel a persistent depressed mood, and may experience weight loss, changes in sleep pattern, lack of energy, feeling of worthlessness, and diminished interests in activities that would normally excite them. Mood disorder can be treated both with medication as well as Psychotherapy (talking therapy). The latter is where music therapy plays a role. By the use of music the clients can develop coping strategies, alter their maladaptive believes, as well as normalizing moods. As an example, music-making activities like playing instruments, sing or compose, require healthy interaction and on-task behavior, and can therefor be a good therapeutic tool. The type of treatment would vary depending on if the clients state. Some clients need to work through their conflicts, emotions and maladaptive patterns, whereas others still need to discover the conflicts within themselves.

Personality disorder is to be found at individuals with very extreme and inflexible personality traits, and/or a multiple personality. This person can come across either as acting in an odd or eccentric way, being very emotional and dramatic, or avoid social settings because of anxiety and fearfulness. Persons with this disease often lack of insight, and tend to blame their issues on others or complain about problems in their life without recognizing their own contribution to the problem. Clients with enduring patterns of maladaptive behavior, as in this case, may not benefit much by traditional therapeutic treatment, and therefor personality disorder can be difficult to change. However, a combination of therapy and medication is recently being used to a greater amount.

Anxiety disorder is shortly described as a normal response to when the stresses in everyday life becomes ongoing an excessive. Physical symptoms can be racing heart, chest panic or dizziness. Panic attack and avoiding behavior is also common which affect the interaction in everyday life.

Substance-related disorder is related to taking of drugs and abuse, or the side affects of medication and toxin exposure. It can lead to significant impairment of distress, which again leads to substance tolerance, withdrawal, and reduction in social and recreational activities.

As we have seen, symptoms and behaviors of clients with disorders vary a lot. Some clients are in a state where they don’t know where or who they are, some have issues doing basic self-skills, while others find it hard to organize their lives or even lack of insight. Because clients function differently in everyday life, one cannot treat everyone the same way. Dr. Barbara. R. Wheeler has proposed three levels of clinical practices in music therapy to meet the diverse needs of clients. Supportive, active-oriented music therapy promotes healthy behavior and requires active involvement and awareness of here-and now. Examples are group singing, playing musical instruments, or do musical games. Re-educative, insight-and-process-oriented music therapy also requires involvement, but has a greater emphasis on verbal reflection and processing emotions and relationships. The activities focus on problem solving, expressing feelings, and awareness and behavioral change. Also at this level the clients have insight in behavior and their own situation. Reconstructive, analytically and catharsis-oriented music therapy are used to uncover, relive or resolve subconscious conflicts that continues to hamper personal development. Music is used to elicit images and reconstruct conflict, as well as express feelings or act out relationships with significant people from the past. Clients must have a good reality orientation and motivation in order to gain personal change from this clinical approach.

Despite the big variation in behavioral patterns, music seems to be meaningful to a wide range of people and ages in different cultures. Because most everyone can find some sort of music to relate to, music is a great tool to use as treatment for clients with behavior-emotion disorder. Following the different levels of therapies described in the previous paragraph, there are specific categories of music therapy interventions that are commonly used. Certain interventions require more participation, such as playing, composing, songwriting and moving to music. This is a powerful tool to enhance self-awareness, to adapt healthy behaviors, and express oneself trough the means of music. Music for recreation, enjoyment, and relaxation is used either as a relaxation tool, to evoke images, or to fun (which to some clients can be a very important clinical goal). Other tools used are listening and responding to music, and music combined with expressive art.

In genera music is used to change maladaptive behavior, enhance feeling of worthlessness, energize, stabilize, help create structure and healthy pattern in everyday life, support through a difficult time etc. Clients with behavioral-emotion disorder are a fragile population, much because the line between normal and abnormal, and being sick and not, is hard to define. Because much of the symptoms derive from mental issues you cannot always tell from the external if a person is sick, in comparison to physical disabilities. I can personally connect to this, as a victim of eating disorder, which categorize as a behavioral-emotional disorder. Although the symptoms such as weight-loss, lack of energy, lack of socialization, changing in moods, frustration is more or less physical changes, the problem is not solved by for example eating more or force yourself to be more social, which is what an average person would tell you to do. This is a mental issue, where one would have to change the maladaptive patterns in your mind. Then again, how do you change the way mind function? It is not easy. That is why music therapy is used in such specific design ways when it comes to client with behavioral-emotional disorder. Therapist works to meet the client’s need and not only reduce symptoms, as medication would do, but to reach and gain change in the core of the problem, and thereon better their quality of life.

Music therapy is only defined as therapy when used in a clinical setting, with a professional trained therapist!

Music therapy is only defined as therapy when used in a clinical setting, with a professional trained therapist!

HOWEVER

PERSONALLY I use music in a therapeutic way every day! Songwriting, listening to music as I fall as sleep, singing as I walk the street, dancing....

PERSONALLY I use music in a therapeutic way every day! Songwriting, listening to music as I fall as sleep, singing as I walk the street, dancing….so can you!

 

En tier om dagen?

Den siste veka har eg delteke i ei såkalla happiness challange week, der eg dagleg har mottatt oppfordringar som skal hjelpa meg å finna glede i kvardagen. Her er eit eksempel frå dagens melding:

“So the final challenge in this program is to share the happiness! Do something kind and caring, compassionate or generous for someone else today because the more happy people out there the better for all of us!

imagesDen fyrste meldinga eg fekk oppfordra meg til å leva på $1,50 ei heil veka. Ei visste med ein gong at å leva på ein tiar var å ta litt vel hardt i for min del. Men etter å ha spent x antall kr på ein flybillett til Miami var eg absloutt klar for å leva ein litt enklare og billigare kvardag i Boston. Eg tok dermed turen på busikken og handla matvarer 150 kr. Dette skulle eg leve på i ei veke, i tillegg til diverse tørrr-mat som allereie fantes i skapet; litt mair, graut, kjeks og slikt.

Det som fyrst slo meg med dette prosjektet var ikkje at det var vanskeleg å eta både billig og nok, men meir alle hindera det set opp. Her er ting eg har takka nei til siste veka “Eli, let’s go get a coffee together.” “Lets buy some food and make ourselves lunch.” “Wanna meet at Starbucks and do homework” “Let’s discuss it over dinner..?”. Og her er mitt svar “Sorry, I promised myself to not spend money this week.”….litt kjedelig svar, kanskje? Det er slik at mykje sosialt liv skjer rundt ein kaffikopp eller matbit. Dersom eg kuttar ut desse sosiale happeningane…vil dette då blir eit vellykka gledes-prosjekt?
Den andre utfordringa eg møtte var det å eta det eg VIL på eit lavt budsjett. Eg er av typen som ikkje et berre fordi eg må, men fordi mat eg godt. Dermed må maten vera tilfreds-stillande for mine smaksansar, og det må vera det eg har lyst på akkurat det or då. Desverre er ikkje boksemat, ris og poteter(billig og mettande mat) det som stort sett tilfreds-stillar meg, eg likar fersk, dyr og god mat. På dag 5 i happiness-veka var eg tom for frukt og grønt. Eg måtte då ta nokre rundar med meg sjølv; det kjennes godt å leva på eit lavt budsjett, men å eta mat som personleg ikkje tilfredsstillar meg…? Hmm..Eg valdte å gå på butikken å kjøpa ferske grønsaker!

images-2Det har no gått ei veke, og det absolutt ut til at eg har levd billigare enn ellers, utan å på nokon som helst vis har måtta gå svolten. Ein av dei tinga det kjentes godt å endra på er kaffi-ritualet mitt. Etter eg kom til Boston har eg kjøpt meg éin kopp kaffi kvar dag.  Latte med soya-melk på wholefoods. Sterk, tilfreds-stillande og billig. No, derimot har eg invistert i eige kaffe-trakter, og lagar min daglege kaffe sjølv med skumma melk og honning. Kaffien smakar betre, eg slepp å stå i kø, og det vil ikkje gå lenge før eg har tent inn at dei utgiftene traktaren kosta meg. I tillegg har sidan etter jul baka scones kvar søndag og hatt til frukost kvar dag gjennom veka. Dette er absolutt billig og enkel mat…og for meg som alltid er seint ute til tine er Breakfast-to-go ein vinnar!

Ja, det kjennes godt å prøva å kun bruka penger på det eg treng, men med små avvik når eg kjenner eg fortener det. For dei som lev fleire i lag og eit meir rutine-prega liv enn slik usystematisk tilværelse eg befinn meg i no, trur eg at eit lavt budsjett kan vera enklare. Men sjølv for studentar som meg oppfordrar eg til å ta nytte av billig kaffetraktar, nisteboks, heimabake brød i frysen og “mat-pakke” i posten frå mor. “Smuler og også brød” seier mormor så ofte ho får anleding. Ser ut til at det er på tide å leva meir etter dette ordaket.

Det er mange måtar å finna glede på. Slik eg ser det gjekk dette gledes-prosjektet mykje ut på å finna glede i seg sjølv, heller enn å “kjøpa seg glede”. Uansett kor bokstavleg ein tek det eller om du går for 10 kr dagen eller 100, så er det likevel godt å minne seg sjølv på akkurat dette. Særleg i eit slik bruk-og-kast-samfunnet me lev i i dag kan det vera godt å synka meir inn i seg sjølv og fokusera på kva som eigentleg gjer meg glad. Er det iphone5 og den nye kles-kolleksjonen på H&M?

Ein gledes-utfordring i seg sjølv: Finn ut kva det er som gjer deg GLAD!

Noko av det som gjer meg glad!

Noko av det som gjer meg glad, klatra i trær.

https://soundcloud.com/eligauden/make-time

ImageStorby livet i Boston er ikkje 100 % i mi gate. Stillhet, ro, tid…er vanskeleg å finna. Ein solfylt og kald vinterdag kom desse ordene ned på papiret, midt i lyskrysset på Boylson street. Innspeling følger.

Take time!

You’re rolling down a crowded street
I stare you down, but you don’t see
Blinded by shades, stranger to state
Though time could be yours, you ask it to wait.
I might look lonesome, hands getting cold
But that was my goal.

So take time, and make it free

You’re coffee is cold, cheeks are in fire
Day after day, you run for desire
I vanished away, put life on pause,
Declare to myself, now is enough
My cheeks might look frozen, but pride is pleased 
And I’m one in a thousand

So take time, and make it free

It’s me and the scene, and you if you want
Nothing but now was the best that could come
And then comes another and pause by my side
Happy for what we were able to find.
We might look lonesome, but nothing give ease
Like life as it is.

So take time, and make it free
So take time, and make it be your

Image

Sterk sol mot kald kropp
Frosne hender rundt kaffekopp
Trafikken susar, eg sit still
Travel verden, for den som vil

I rask gange dei stegar forbi
Burde misunna med som har tid
Burde seg finna slik ein stad
Der tankar kan flyta slik tankar ska

Og pusten kan gå i takt med brisen
Som langt borte der heime dansar over isen
Å skøyta meg varm der stillheita rår
Det må bli til neste år

For no er det kaffi og klede som må til
På eit sol fylt hjørna der tida står still
Rundt brummar byen sin vante tralt
Men her på min stad, eit augeblink og to
Kan eg i alle fall lata som eg er borte frå alt.

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